College Basketball Blues

I'll admit: I've never been crazy about basketball.  For one thing, the ball's too big for my mouth.  But the other problems are the length of the shorts and a feeble Knicks franchise. Can we get new ownership already?

To me, pro basketball ends with Willis Reed and the 1973 World Champion Knickerbockers of a little city you may have heard of called New York.  In addition to his shorts, he was known as sort of a drooler, and I've always found that endearing in males, human or otherwise.

I haven't watched much of the college tourney this year, mostly because my owners don't even know it exists.  But every once in a while, they'll take off without me and let me get my hoops on.  

Personally, I've been pulling for the Butler Bulldogs (duh.  What, you thought I'd root for the Wildcats?)  and I'm hoping for a showdown with the Huskies of U Conn. Back in the swinging days of my youth, I once had a bulldog face off with a husky for my tender affections. While they snarled and growled at each other, a retriever swooped in and whisked me away; guess they both lost that one.

Then, I find out the tournament officials wouldn't let Blue, Butler's mascot, into the arena on account of, and I quote, "not enough space," for live mascots.  What the--?  You're telling me there's no room for Blue, a 70-pound bulldog, but there's ample space for this jackass?

Gee, college basketball, discriminate much?  

Well, fortunately, I just found out they're allowing Blue in for the Final Four game, even giving him his own seat on a chartered plane and accommodation at a 4-star hotel.  

http://www.tmz.com/2011/03/30/final-four-mascot-butler-bulldogs-blue-2-flying-chartered-airplane-southwest-4-star-hotel-intercontinental/

Hey, Blue!  If you need a date, there's an old gal in LA who's never been to Houston before!

The Dreaded Word: Vacation

One of the things I wanted to do in creating this blog, was to help humans understand canines better. I know we've been "man's best friend" for ages (and woman's) and a lot of you believe we give you unconditional love (and we do, sometimes). 

Still, a lot of you have settled into this really typical human pattern of "I'm the boss and I train you to fit my life". Fine. Dogs don't have weird egos that get in the way of deciding where I'm gonna pee today. Nevertheless, humans could use a little help when it comes to understanding us and that is what I write about here. Mostly. 

So about two weeks ago, this word VACATION started being thrown around the house. I ignore it for a bit because this is a favorite word of all humans, something they like to spend a lot of time thinking about and discussing even if it ends up not happening. Meanwhile, I'm thinking: vacation from what? You have a beautiful house; lots of food; nice walks. Wadda you gotta go anywhere else for? 

But go they did. Miss KnowItAll (my female owner) gives me lots of kisses and tells me she loves me before they leave, which is all well and good but HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF THEM when they are so far away????

Do you realize the amount of anxiety having your owners in some other location for a week produces? The scenarios you come up with? What if they never come back? What if they eat bad fish and you can't sniff it out for them before? What if they drown and I'm not around to rescue them? What if a raccoon infiltrates the kitchen? (http://www.fuckedinparkslope.com/home/attack-of-the-raccoons.html)

I couldn't live with that sort of guilt. 

So despite the fact that they usually ask their lovely friend Hannah to come stay with me, I always have a miserable time. It's not about her. I love that girl. Known her since she was like 12, I think. And she loves this old mutt and takes care of me but it's next to impossible to try to enjoy her company when I'm imagining them petting another dog somewhere in an exotic island. Do you know how good those dogs are at feigning homelessness?

Okay, so the obvious question is why don't they take me with, right?

To begin with, Hayes don't fly. I'm from Brooklyn. I got on one of those plane things once and once only. It almost gave me a heart attack and I don't want to ever repeat it again. I think my owners realized that when they saw the amount of hair I'd lost during the so-called flight.

So there's that. But I have been taken on vacation a few times by them. The trip is always the nicest. Singing in the car, listening to the news, frequent pit stops, a bit of prosciutto here and there... Not bad. But then when we get to the place it's back to hard for me. As I've outlined before we dogs have a lot of jobs and they only get multiplied when humans are "on vacation".

I mean one of the first times they took me with, do you know what I smelled right away? BEARS. I mean, bears! Who in their right mind wants to go camping where bears live? And who do you think had to warn them every time I smelled one? And then who do you think got yelled at for barking too much?

Vacation, smhacation. It's a lose lose for us dogs. 

Yoga

Downward Dog? FYI, humans.  We don't do that.  Except during special moments.  And for this old dog, it's been a long time.

Kubrick Woulda Loved This

Spy cams film polar bears up close

Loved seeing the cub's first time out. Also, so many of the early shots reminded me of Dave, the computer in 2001.

Also, I sure as hell hope none of these spy cams are filming me! Why do humans have a right to privacy but bears don't? Watch it. That bear could sue the BBC.

As you can see California is rubbing off on me.

Jury Duty

I got called in for jury duty.  Guess it wasn't as funny as I thought to fill out that phony absentee ballot for the 2003 California Governor "Total Recall" Election.  But what was I gonna do?  NOT vote to put Gary Coleman in charge of the world's 6th largest economy? Come on...

Pretty sure I can find my way out of this one, though.  Just pretend I'm a racist, right?  And also, I'm a 91-year-old dog.

Dog Days

The other night after our usual walk, I could smell some coyotes outside so when we got back home, I asked my girl owner to let me out on the balcony. She did and then she left me out there until 3 am!

I can't be sure that she did it on purpose because she's never done something like that before, but it's also not like her to just forget me out there. To be honest, I don't know which would hurt more...

It's not like I got cold or anything but us dogs, we always have a guilty conscience. It's hard for us to read humans so it's easier to assume we did something wrong because, let's face it, most of the time we did. But this time, I hadn't and I think she just went to sleep. 

Finally, when the boy owner got up to pee at 3 am I started screaming and I heard him talk to her and she came running out all sleepy and bewildered and talking gibberish and let me in. Old bones resting on my bed, finally. 

Finally, A Reality Show for Dogs

I got this friend, Shirley, a basset hound lives up on 7 with an owner who, let's just say, isn't shy with the table scraps.  Poor thing, Shirley's only in her 50s and she's already got the diabetes with a touch of the arthritis.

As much as I beg at the table and clean scraps off the floor with my tongue, my owners don't overfeed me.  Partially because they care.  Partially because a lot of the human food makes me hurl all over the floor.

Well, I'm browsing through the googlewebs the other night after my owners went to sleep (it's the only way I can get online; if my man owner caught me using his iPad, he'd poop himself.  And then blame it on me), and I find this reality TV show about overweight dogs: PROJECT PET SLIM DOWN.

http://www.projectpetslimdown.com/

Can I just tell you?  Loving.  This.  Show.  Sure, it makes me wonder what the hell kinda society we live in where we have a canine obesity problem, but at least SOMEone's addressing it.  Thanks, Purina!  (P.S. - I'm always willing to shill Purina, so, you know, if yous wanna toss an endorsement my way, get in touch!)