iPhone 4 at last!

So I spent the day at the beach today, which was pretty cool. I think we were somewhere in Malibu? I don't know. It kinda all looks the same to me out here and I didn't recognize anyone's smells...

But a couple of cool things happened. First of all, as soon as my owners dozed off (and their friends too; everyone in this group likes to sleep) I managed to get my paws on the coveted iPhone 4! I've been trying to get at it for a while without success and today I finally got the chance even if I got in trouble for it later. Thing is, my owners have been proud users of the iPhone since the first generation (boy owner even stood in line for hours the first day - what a geek) but I hadn't yet gotten to use the video camera on the 4, which is what I was really excited about. Boy, it did not disappoint.

I used the iPhone to film the second cool thing that happened today: seagulls!

What are these things? I've seen birds before but not big and bulky like these. They just kind of sit there and let you chase them around. I felt like I was 25 again!

Here. See for yourself:

I was pretty proud of my artistic skills. I mean, I know I'm no Kurosawa, but still. For an old broad from Brooklyn, right?

I was basking in the glory of that video and the seagull smell, when this happened:

There still kinda mad about it. Between the iPhone robbery and me staring at them this morning while they ate, they've screamed at me a lot today. Jeesh. You'd think I was a bad dog or something. If only they knew how much I crave new technology...

In Praise of Kibble

File this under "Things that happen in California that never happened in Brooklyn and I'm not sure I'll ever get used to."  That's a long heading, I know, but I'm a dog.  You should be impressed at what organizational skills I have.

One of my owners took me for a walk yesterday morning up in the hills and, bless his heart, I love him for it.  It's hard to describe to a human what a walk in these hills is like for a dog.  But imagine going shopping in one of those - whaddya call 'em - malls, except everything in the mall is made of stuff you can either eat or pee on.  Sometimes both.

Back in Brooklyn, my owners were known for having friends over and making orecchiette with sausage and fennel.  In Los Angeles, fennel's growing all over the friggin' place!  Out of the ground!  So believe me when I say I love going on these walks, even with the arthritis and whatnot.

It's a gorgeous January day out here (another thing you'll never hear in Brooklyn) and we're about halfway up this canyon when I see this crazy SOB run across our path with a friggin' rabbit in his mouth:

This coyote, he stops, looks at me like, "Whaddya gonna do, right?"  And I'm looking up at my owner like, "Seriously, whaddya gonna do?"  Now I don't wanna get too racial or anything, I mean, I'm from Brooklyn, where everyone lives with everyone and mostly gets along, but these coyotes... they aren't like other dogs.  They'll soon as gang up on you and mangle your coat as as sniff your hind parts.  So I didn't know what this crazy kid was gonna do next.

Lucky for me, I was with my owner and coyotes don't care much for humans.  After a second or two, he trots off and we turn back for home.

It was a lot of excitement for a girl my age to be seeing new, exciting things like that, and it's just one of the reasons I recommend to all my friends retirement in a lively setting.

But as I took a nap on the balcony that afternoon, looking back up into the hills, I was pretty grateful I have owners who take care of the whole food part for me.  Sure, the kibble gets boring sometimes, but what else am I gonna do?  Chase rabbits?  At my age?!  Come on!

Ugh

I ate some potatoes and beans last night (owners' leftovers) and I spent all night passing gas...

Anybody have a remedy?

Tough Week

I haven't been posting more often because it can be hard to find the time. I know, I know. Humans think all we do is lie around the cold floor and dream about chasing squirrels, but the truth is we're doing more than that. Thinking, for one. Planning, for two. And of course, guarding. Always guarding. Something humans seem to disregard altogether. They just go about their lives merrily, with their locks and funny keys, thinking that solves everything. But you know who takes care of things when someone breaks in? You guessed it. The dog.

The real hard part of keeping this blog going is finding a moment when I'm alone so I can write. See, if my owners knew I was writing this, they'd have a fit. They'd probably put me in therapy. That's why I won't give you too much information about them. Suffice it to say they both mostly work at home, so it's hard for me to steal time away in one of their computers and type this stuff, ya know?

The best time is usually when they're doing it, cause I could be in their fridge eating all their bacon and they wouldn't care. Well, they'd get mad afterwards.

Humans and dogs... Can't live with each other. Can't live without each other. I love the bastards but they drive me crazy. Like for example, how does it make sense that we're not allowed in banks??? I mean food stores, restaurants, I get it. We have a tendency to go crazy around stuff that smells good. But banks? What are you afraid we'll hold 'em up?

I know I complain a lot but whadda ya want? I'm from Brooklyn!

Pardon My French

Couldn't sleep last night.  I got the arthritis in my hips, which is as painful as it sounds. Don't get me wrong, the aches have eased up out here in sunny CA.  I don't have to walk up four flights of stairs and the dry heat seems to be doing these old bones good.  Our new building even comes with a swimming pool and sauna, which technically the HOA won't allow me access to.  But technically, those old bitches can kiss my furry ass.  Pardon my French.

So it's better out here, but some nights, it still keeps me up.  I'm 91.  Whaddya gonna do?

But last night, I couldn't sleep, so I hopped on the Apple TV to check out some new photos my owners put up.  (Sidebar: I love Apple TV.  Especially the remote.  It's so intuitive.  And crunchy.  I'm always looking for products I believe in to endorse.  Are you listening Steve Jobs?  I can see the ad copy already.  "Apple TV: so simple a 91-year-old dog from Brooklyn with arthritic hips can use it."  Done.  End of story.  Where's my paycheck?)

Anyhoo, I'm gliding through the photo albums when it occurs to me: In the last month, my crazy - pardon my French - SOB owners have dragged me to wine country, the desert, the beach, AND the mountains.  I'm 91 friggin' years old!  It's no wonder I can't sleep on account of my hips!

But that's the thing about humans.  You whimper, walk around in circles, pant heavily, give 'em the "sad  eyes," and what do they do?  They lock you in the back seat of the car while they go into a roadside diner to eat waffles.

I'm not complaining, I'm just saying, sometimes it's hard to be a dog.

By the way, I saw this crazy SOB - pardon my French - running around on one of our trips. Young, spunky, full of life, powerful haunches... ah, to be 3 again.

Back Home

So I retired to California about three years ago with my owners. At first, I wasn't thrilled about it. I'm a New York mutt thruandthru and had never left the city prior to that. Being a New York dog gives you a certain je ne ses quois... Your walk, your attitude... And, well... it just wasn't understood out here. 

But the truth is now I love California! It's pretty much always sunny, I don't have to walk up and down four flights of stairs anymore and most importantly, I don't have to defend my territory the way I did in New York. For a lady of a certain age like me, walking the block, peeing in your spots, letting others know I was there first, figuring out when to wag and when to growl... it's exhausting! 

Anyway, we went to Palm Springs for New Year's with all the regular humans my owners hang out with (more on them later) and I was flash-backing to New York like you wouldn't believe! 

Here's the thing humans don't realize about being a dog: it's hard!

They seem to think we have it easy. That all we do is sleep and sniff butts and eat but the truth is we have a lot of responsibilities that they just don't see. Like for example, I got off the car, immediately run to the front door and smelled everywhere. I said hi to the humans (they get all upset if you ignore them) but then I went into every room of the house and made sure it was safe: no rats, no dogs, no humans hiding in the closet with hand grenades (it happens), etc.  

Then, you gotta make sure none of them get lost. Humans are constantly wandering off on their own pr in couples to do God knows what. Who do you think keeps track of them? Yes, Sir. Yours truly. I'm part Shepperd, so my instinct for this is even greater but still all dogs do it. It's a big part of our job. 

It took me forever to figure out that humans poop on their own in these little rooms they call bathrooms, which is weird because it's also were they clean themselves. Who wants to clean themselves were they poop?!? 

But I stopped trying to understand humans a long time ago... I just live with them. 

Anyway, I keep getting away from my point, which is that New Year's was hard work and I'm happy to be back home in my balcony, checking out the hood. 

Whadda ya want? I'm from New York!

p.s. this is a picture of Chorizo, a Spanish cured sausage that one of the humans brought this year and which is one of my all-time favorites. 

So it's the new year...

I'm not too big on resolutions and all that big McGuff, but I figure everyone and their nephew's got a blog, why not me?  I got a point of view.  I got things to say.  And just 'cause I got paws doesn't mean I can't type, right?  Just don't tell my owners.  And if I play my cards right, maybe that Retriever in 407, what'shisname, Redford, will take note and become a follower.  Hey, it worked for Babs in THE WAY WE WERE, right?  Whadya want, I'm from Brooklyn.