Proud to be a runt

Good evening, 

I was perusing this article in the New York Times the other day, which basically states that "expert" human beings have figured out that low birth weight is a predictor of future health problems. That small babies don't do as well, basically. 

Now, as you all know, I'm a dog (and from Brooklyn!) but I'm here to say that I am a RUNT! I was half the size of my siblings and I have led a fantastically healthy life. It's true that I've recently had some issues but considering they are my first at human age 98, that's not so bad. I remember being squished way at the top of my momma, because my brother and sister were already out and I was still somewhere in uterus, swimming, finally having the space to stretch out a little. 

I don't want to trivialize serious issues and I realize humans have lots of serious problems to deal with, like pollution and how big their apartments are, but I just wanted to give a shout out to all us runts and little ones. We have personalities too! 

Years ago in NY, there used to a runt party once a month in a club nearby. It was awesome. 

Also, thanks to the reader who sent this pic in! I wish more humans did things like this more often. 

A new low

A few days I woke up from an afternoon nap to find a small puddle right next to me.

Great, I thought. Now they're dropping stuff on me and not even bothering to clean up. How could I not have woken up by the spill anyway??? I must be sleeping more deeply than I thought.

A few days later, it happened again. This time my owner made a big fuss about it and so I knew she hadn't spilled anything.

And finally, today, not only did it happen again but I overheard my humans talking on the night walk and... I've been peeing myself. "Incontinence" it's called. Apparently, I have the kind that only happens when I'm sleep and not in control of myself. It's not a lot of pee, but enough that it needs to be cleaned up.

I'm so embarrassed. I just hope the solution isn't doggie diapers because I don't think I could handle Redford (the Golden Retriever from the 11th floor) seeing me like that.

What next? Dentures?!?! I'm from Brooklyn!

It's an election year

Look, people, I don't like to get political. And until dogs get the vote, I'm not sure what the point is. But this year, I've got to take a stand against Mitt Romney on account of the emerging "Crate Gate" scandal.

Now before you get your Republican little panties all crinkled, I'm not sending out an endorsement for President Obama. He didn't even have a dog until he was voted into the White House, so I can't help but feel that Bo, his Portuguese Water Dog, is something of a prop for Christmas cards. Bo, if you're reading, I am available for sniffings and other social events.



But nothing could make me support the likes of Mitt. (Incidentally, I used to know a dog named Mitt back in Brooklyn. Mitt used to shag balls outside Ebbots Field during Dodger homestands. That Spaniel could catch anything! 'Course then the Dodgers moved out to L.A., broke everyone's heart, including Mitt. I couldn't understand it until I made the move out to LA LA land myself. Now, I just hope the Dodgers can get decent ownership and return to glory.)

The gestalt of the Romney story is this: The Romneys had an Irish Setter named Seamus. Handsome fella, but couldn't keep his nose out of the water bowl, from what I hear, if you know what I mean... On a vacation to Canada, Old Mitt decided to strap Seamus's crate to the roof of his car. I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say, when the Romney family arrived in Canada, Seamus was nowhere to be found!

Who is this guy? Chevy Chase in VACATION? Who straps a dog to the roof of a car?! If he'd do that to his best friend, what would he do to the American economy?

Remember, people: there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. And Mitt Romney is the worst.

So it is with great pride that I join http://www.dogsagainstromney.com. We may not have the vote, but we have our voice! R.I.P. Seamus. You will not have died in vain!

Humans should make more things like this

https://www.jossandmain.com/Retriever-Bookends---Set-of-2~SIF2356~E389.html

how cute are these???

Getting old

Two nights ago I went out for a walk with both my humans. 

It was a particularly chilly night for Southern California. As we headed back home I could feel the wind ruffling up my coat and getting to my skin, which made me think of youthful nights back East when I would run around for hours in the snow with friends or lovers. 

So I started up a trot and to my surprise, nothing hurt. My humans saw me trotting and they too understood that I was having a moment, a shot of the old happiness before going to sleep. They ran up to me and past me and did those funny sounds that humans do for dogs. I love them. 

I worked up to a gallop, stopped, started again, the whole thing. It was glorious. And then it was time to go back in, so I ran up towards the main door and I guess I didn't see the curb, cause next thing you know, I land on my chin (hard) and I'm spread-eagled sliding through the lobby much to the surprise of the doorman who had actually held the door open for me. I slid in all the way to the elevators!

Kinda looked like this:   

It hurt. A little. What actually hurt the most was the laughter my humans (and the doorman) were trying to stifle. I suppose I looked funny sliding around like that but I was humiliated. I should have seen that curb and been able to clear it. After such a fun walk, it was difficult to accept that I hadn't seen it. 

Getting old is no joke. 

A quickie

Before my owners get back tonight. Here's a pretty remarkable study on "old" animals and what we can learn from them. A lot, in my humble opinion.

Some pretty good looking mugs in there too, if you ask me! (Hey, Irish Wolfhound, if you're reading this, email me!)

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/29/what-we-can-learn-from-old-animals/

Happy New Years!

So I'm 98 now! And still from Brooklyn!

My human's making chicken cutlets, and I know some scraps are gonna come my way. Imma eat 'em, then I'll prolly upchuck just a little, but what d'ya expect? I'm 98 and I'm from Brooklyn!

Hope everyone's New Year's is as good as this old dog's!

Getting Old Sucks

I was giving myself my afternoon cleaning yesterday when I suddenly felt a far away yet somehow also near voice calling my name... 

There was no one with me in the room so I assumed I'd heard someone outside and mistakenly assumed they were calling my name, but then it happened again. 

It seemed to be coming from above. I looked up. Nothing. Then I heard it again. 

I was about to start getting all religious and stuff (can you believe it? at ninety?) when I turned around and realized it was my owner calling me from the doorway.

Getting old sucks. Your hearing goes all funny and you think your owner sounds like God. 

Midgets

Hey peoples!

This summer is proving much harder than I thought in terms of access to computers and such.

I have a longer post planned for soon (lets hope the owners get drunk tonight and pass out) but in the meantime, I've been wondering: what's up with midgets?

We in the animal kingdom don't have them. I mean, there's little dogs. Tiny dogs even (some designed, which I find creepy frankly) but no midgets. So that's just a human thing? Or are there like, squirrel midgets? Why does it happen?

Enlighten this old dog if you can.

I'm from Brooklyn!

Weddings... What gives?

Summer's here, that magical time where an old girl's thoughts turn to chasing butterflies, naps in the sun, and my owners ditching me every other weekend to go to something called "weddings."

What gives?

You people realize you're the only species on the planet that makes such a big deal out of this, right?  I mean, you see a member of the opposite sex you like - or the same sex, if that's what wags your tail (Go New York!) - you give it a sniff, and if you like what you smell, mount away.

But between engagement rings and engagement parties and bridal showers and bachelor parties... how much coin do you need to blow?  And not for nothing, by the by, but that's money that could be spent on more important things like, oh, I don't know, chew toys or rawhide bones.  What are you trying to prove?

And, yeah, sure I miss my owners when they go away, and I worry that I'm not there to insure their safety.

Maybe I'm just an old gal from Brooklyn who don't know my tail from my paws, but jeezy capeezy, enough with all the weddings already!

The Accidental Tourist

Yo, 

It's been a while. Whadda you want from me? 

I saw this movie the other day called "The Accidental Tourist". Great movie. Starts off kinda sad cause this human couple loses their kid and they can't take it so they separate - if dogs had to separate every time we lose someone, we'd never be together. But then, get this, the guy meets another woman THROUGH HIS DOG!!!! 

Not only is this terribly exciting for canines and humans alike but the dog actually has a personality and there is a whole subplot involving the pooch's feelings and his misbehavior, which is of course a result of having lost his best buddy, the kid. I mean, I was already at the point of tears but to find a movie which clearly gets us so well... I am so moved. Thank you writers and director. I hope others take note. 

Now, my owners are gone (don't get me started) and they've left one of my favorite humans with me, which is great for many reasons one of them being he is not really used to dogs, so I get away with a lot of things. 

I haven't gotten to go to the movies in years, so I sneaked out to see THE TREE OF LIFE. 

Similar story line to THE ACCIDENTAL TOURIST but so disappointing! I mean, it was pretty to look at and all. Interesting themes ( I grew up with a tough dad too, so I get it) but the dogs... All they did was run around and be happy, which is pretty much all we ever get to do in live-action movies. We're either happy or we've eaten someone's shoe. 

I'm from Brooklyn!

Whoops...

Haven't been able to write in a while.  Of course, I don't really deserve the grief I'm getting for it.  I am, after all, a 91-year-old dog; it's pretty amazing I can write at all.

But I've been lying low the last few weeks, real low.  I read somewhere that the world was supposed to come to an end last Saturday, so I spent most of May underneath the sofa with my paws over my eyes.  Turns out, the human who said it was just joshing.  What gives?

What humans don't understand about dogs is that we trust you people.  When you tell us you're gonna take us for a walk, we assume you're gonna take us for a walk.  When you tell us we're gonna get a treat, we assume you're gonna give us a treat.  And when you tell us the world is gonna end, we assume the world is coming to an end.

Guess this is one of those tricks you like to play on us.  Like when you pretend to throw the ball, then hide it behind your back and laugh while we sniff all over the place looking for it.  Not.  Cool.

Anyways, I'm back out from under the sofa now and just in time.  Looks like we got a big match between Barcelona and Man U coming up this weekend.  Yeah, I like the game; who wouldn't love chasing a ball around an open field for an hour and a half?  But I'm more excited about the food my owners got prepared.  You can bet your dry schnoz I'm gonna get into some a that chorizo.


These are the kinds of days that make an old girl hope the world never ends...

Just a quick one today

Pretty interesting photo show on what my canine brothers and sisters are doing in the military.

Don't get me started on the politics. I'm from Brooklyn!

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2011/05/12/world/middleeast/dog.html

Loneliness

My male owner left for a few days recently and I got to observe my female owner alone for a few days. That got me thinking: do animals and humans feel loneliness the same way?

I don't think so! 

She seemed to miss him a lot (and called him all the time and texted and so on) but she also seemed happy to be alone, to be spending time just by herself staring at the ceiling. Granted, I stare at the ceiling all the time (or at the floor, depending on my position) but I always, always prefer to do that in the company of a human. 

Let me put it this way: DOGS NEVER EVER WANT TO BE ALONE.

The minute the door shuts, we are already imagining you coming back. Sometimes you do, but it's only because you forgot your keys or something. Then you leave again and time stops. I don't care how many pretty birds are singing or who walks by outside, we just want you back. 

And that's despite the fact that I'm from Brooklyn i.e. tough. 

Sweet Jesus

I've been trying to update this blog for weeks now! I have so much to say, so much to share but no computer to do it with!

Miss Knowitall (female owner) decided to get a job outside of the house (why? why Lord, why?) which means she takes her computer with every day. That leaves only Mr. Techie (male owner) at home and he's always using his computer so it's basically impossible for me to even log in, let alone write a whole post. 

I do love the iPad but it's hard for a dog to use. Serious question: how do you hold it and type at the same time? I tried once when my owner was in the bathroom and this is what I got: F;lje;rjor4i           

Anyway, I've been feeling left out of everything lately. I know my owner is upset that she has to be away from me all day long too. Not only has she told me several times while crying all over my face but I've heard her discuss it with my other owner. I know she tries her best and pays the cleaning lady to take me out on walks, but seriously it all just makes me feel like I'm being abandoned again. 

Yeah, that's right. First my father abandoned us and then my mother went and died, God bless her. What am I supposed to do? Any feedback is greatly appreciated. 

Also, why won't humans allow dogs at work? What's up with that?

I'm from Brooklyn!

I've been getting into classic cars lately (no computer, so I look at books). This is a '62 Bel Air. Ain't she a beaut?

My owner, where'd she go?

Ever since she got a job, I hardly see her!  Thinking about putting fliers up around the neighborhood with her photo and maybe a reward.

I need a walk, a bath, and a faster internet connection.

I saw my male owner pick up some pancetta, though.  Seems like it could be a pretty delicious weekend.

College Basketball Blues

I'll admit: I've never been crazy about basketball.  For one thing, the ball's too big for my mouth.  But the other problems are the length of the shorts and a feeble Knicks franchise. Can we get new ownership already?

To me, pro basketball ends with Willis Reed and the 1973 World Champion Knickerbockers of a little city you may have heard of called New York.  In addition to his shorts, he was known as sort of a drooler, and I've always found that endearing in males, human or otherwise.

I haven't watched much of the college tourney this year, mostly because my owners don't even know it exists.  But every once in a while, they'll take off without me and let me get my hoops on.  

Personally, I've been pulling for the Butler Bulldogs (duh.  What, you thought I'd root for the Wildcats?)  and I'm hoping for a showdown with the Huskies of U Conn. Back in the swinging days of my youth, I once had a bulldog face off with a husky for my tender affections. While they snarled and growled at each other, a retriever swooped in and whisked me away; guess they both lost that one.

Then, I find out the tournament officials wouldn't let Blue, Butler's mascot, into the arena on account of, and I quote, "not enough space," for live mascots.  What the--?  You're telling me there's no room for Blue, a 70-pound bulldog, but there's ample space for this jackass?

Gee, college basketball, discriminate much?  

Well, fortunately, I just found out they're allowing Blue in for the Final Four game, even giving him his own seat on a chartered plane and accommodation at a 4-star hotel.  

http://www.tmz.com/2011/03/30/final-four-mascot-butler-bulldogs-blue-2-flying-chartered-airplane-southwest-4-star-hotel-intercontinental/

Hey, Blue!  If you need a date, there's an old gal in LA who's never been to Houston before!

The Dreaded Word: Vacation

One of the things I wanted to do in creating this blog, was to help humans understand canines better. I know we've been "man's best friend" for ages (and woman's) and a lot of you believe we give you unconditional love (and we do, sometimes). 

Still, a lot of you have settled into this really typical human pattern of "I'm the boss and I train you to fit my life". Fine. Dogs don't have weird egos that get in the way of deciding where I'm gonna pee today. Nevertheless, humans could use a little help when it comes to understanding us and that is what I write about here. Mostly. 

So about two weeks ago, this word VACATION started being thrown around the house. I ignore it for a bit because this is a favorite word of all humans, something they like to spend a lot of time thinking about and discussing even if it ends up not happening. Meanwhile, I'm thinking: vacation from what? You have a beautiful house; lots of food; nice walks. Wadda you gotta go anywhere else for? 

But go they did. Miss KnowItAll (my female owner) gives me lots of kisses and tells me she loves me before they leave, which is all well and good but HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF THEM when they are so far away????

Do you realize the amount of anxiety having your owners in some other location for a week produces? The scenarios you come up with? What if they never come back? What if they eat bad fish and you can't sniff it out for them before? What if they drown and I'm not around to rescue them? What if a raccoon infiltrates the kitchen? (http://www.fuckedinparkslope.com/home/attack-of-the-raccoons.html)

I couldn't live with that sort of guilt. 

So despite the fact that they usually ask their lovely friend Hannah to come stay with me, I always have a miserable time. It's not about her. I love that girl. Known her since she was like 12, I think. And she loves this old mutt and takes care of me but it's next to impossible to try to enjoy her company when I'm imagining them petting another dog somewhere in an exotic island. Do you know how good those dogs are at feigning homelessness?

Okay, so the obvious question is why don't they take me with, right?

To begin with, Hayes don't fly. I'm from Brooklyn. I got on one of those plane things once and once only. It almost gave me a heart attack and I don't want to ever repeat it again. I think my owners realized that when they saw the amount of hair I'd lost during the so-called flight.

So there's that. But I have been taken on vacation a few times by them. The trip is always the nicest. Singing in the car, listening to the news, frequent pit stops, a bit of prosciutto here and there... Not bad. But then when we get to the place it's back to hard for me. As I've outlined before we dogs have a lot of jobs and they only get multiplied when humans are "on vacation".

I mean one of the first times they took me with, do you know what I smelled right away? BEARS. I mean, bears! Who in their right mind wants to go camping where bears live? And who do you think had to warn them every time I smelled one? And then who do you think got yelled at for barking too much?

Vacation, smhacation. It's a lose lose for us dogs. 

Yoga

Downward Dog? FYI, humans.  We don't do that.  Except during special moments.  And for this old dog, it's been a long time.

Kubrick Woulda Loved This

Spy cams film polar bears up close

Loved seeing the cub's first time out. Also, so many of the early shots reminded me of Dave, the computer in 2001.

Also, I sure as hell hope none of these spy cams are filming me! Why do humans have a right to privacy but bears don't? Watch it. That bear could sue the BBC.

As you can see California is rubbing off on me.