Proud to be a runt

Good evening, 

I was perusing this article in the New York Times the other day, which basically states that "expert" human beings have figured out that low birth weight is a predictor of future health problems. That small babies don't do as well, basically. 

Now, as you all know, I'm a dog (and from Brooklyn!) but I'm here to say that I am a RUNT! I was half the size of my siblings and I have led a fantastically healthy life. It's true that I've recently had some issues but considering they are my first at human age 98, that's not so bad. I remember being squished way at the top of my momma, because my brother and sister were already out and I was still somewhere in uterus, swimming, finally having the space to stretch out a little. 

I don't want to trivialize serious issues and I realize humans have lots of serious problems to deal with, like pollution and how big their apartments are, but I just wanted to give a shout out to all us runts and little ones. We have personalities too! 

Years ago in NY, there used to a runt party once a month in a club nearby. It was awesome. 

Also, thanks to the reader who sent this pic in! I wish more humans did things like this more often. 

Getting Old Sucks

I was giving myself my afternoon cleaning yesterday when I suddenly felt a far away yet somehow also near voice calling my name... 

There was no one with me in the room so I assumed I'd heard someone outside and mistakenly assumed they were calling my name, but then it happened again. 

It seemed to be coming from above. I looked up. Nothing. Then I heard it again. 

I was about to start getting all religious and stuff (can you believe it? at ninety?) when I turned around and realized it was my owner calling me from the doorway.

Getting old sucks. Your hearing goes all funny and you think your owner sounds like God. 

The Accidental Tourist

Yo, 

It's been a while. Whadda you want from me? 

I saw this movie the other day called "The Accidental Tourist". Great movie. Starts off kinda sad cause this human couple loses their kid and they can't take it so they separate - if dogs had to separate every time we lose someone, we'd never be together. But then, get this, the guy meets another woman THROUGH HIS DOG!!!! 

Not only is this terribly exciting for canines and humans alike but the dog actually has a personality and there is a whole subplot involving the pooch's feelings and his misbehavior, which is of course a result of having lost his best buddy, the kid. I mean, I was already at the point of tears but to find a movie which clearly gets us so well... I am so moved. Thank you writers and director. I hope others take note. 

Now, my owners are gone (don't get me started) and they've left one of my favorite humans with me, which is great for many reasons one of them being he is not really used to dogs, so I get away with a lot of things. 

I haven't gotten to go to the movies in years, so I sneaked out to see THE TREE OF LIFE. 

Similar story line to THE ACCIDENTAL TOURIST but so disappointing! I mean, it was pretty to look at and all. Interesting themes ( I grew up with a tough dad too, so I get it) but the dogs... All they did was run around and be happy, which is pretty much all we ever get to do in live-action movies. We're either happy or we've eaten someone's shoe. 

I'm from Brooklyn!

Sweet Jesus

I've been trying to update this blog for weeks now! I have so much to say, so much to share but no computer to do it with!

Miss Knowitall (female owner) decided to get a job outside of the house (why? why Lord, why?) which means she takes her computer with every day. That leaves only Mr. Techie (male owner) at home and he's always using his computer so it's basically impossible for me to even log in, let alone write a whole post. 

I do love the iPad but it's hard for a dog to use. Serious question: how do you hold it and type at the same time? I tried once when my owner was in the bathroom and this is what I got: F;lje;rjor4i           

Anyway, I've been feeling left out of everything lately. I know my owner is upset that she has to be away from me all day long too. Not only has she told me several times while crying all over my face but I've heard her discuss it with my other owner. I know she tries her best and pays the cleaning lady to take me out on walks, but seriously it all just makes me feel like I'm being abandoned again. 

Yeah, that's right. First my father abandoned us and then my mother went and died, God bless her. What am I supposed to do? Any feedback is greatly appreciated. 

Also, why won't humans allow dogs at work? What's up with that?

I'm from Brooklyn!

I've been getting into classic cars lately (no computer, so I look at books). This is a '62 Bel Air. Ain't she a beaut?

Dog Days

The other night after our usual walk, I could smell some coyotes outside so when we got back home, I asked my girl owner to let me out on the balcony. She did and then she left me out there until 3 am!

I can't be sure that she did it on purpose because she's never done something like that before, but it's also not like her to just forget me out there. To be honest, I don't know which would hurt more...

It's not like I got cold or anything but us dogs, we always have a guilty conscience. It's hard for us to read humans so it's easier to assume we did something wrong because, let's face it, most of the time we did. But this time, I hadn't and I think she just went to sleep. 

Finally, when the boy owner got up to pee at 3 am I started screaming and I heard him talk to her and she came running out all sleepy and bewildered and talking gibberish and let me in. Old bones resting on my bed, finally. 

GASLAND

So I finally got around to seeing GASLAND while my owners were sleeping late this morning. 

WOW. 

Depressing. So tough to see that cat losing his hair and the horse all skeletal. And of course, the humans with all their headaches and illnesses. 

When is this bull going to stop? I mean, wasn't A CIVIL ACTION also about the effects of  trichloroethylene? And ERIN BROKOVICH? Same thing. (How about that paternity suit on Soderbergh, ha? Who woulda thunk it). 

I'm just saying these bastards are gonna keep doing this over and over unless we collectively unleash our teeth right on their behinds. Otherwise, they'll continue to poison people, buy lobbyists and move the operation somewhere else before you can say Halliburton. 

Damn. 

iPhone 4 at last!

So I spent the day at the beach today, which was pretty cool. I think we were somewhere in Malibu? I don't know. It kinda all looks the same to me out here and I didn't recognize anyone's smells...

But a couple of cool things happened. First of all, as soon as my owners dozed off (and their friends too; everyone in this group likes to sleep) I managed to get my paws on the coveted iPhone 4! I've been trying to get at it for a while without success and today I finally got the chance even if I got in trouble for it later. Thing is, my owners have been proud users of the iPhone since the first generation (boy owner even stood in line for hours the first day - what a geek) but I hadn't yet gotten to use the video camera on the 4, which is what I was really excited about. Boy, it did not disappoint.

I used the iPhone to film the second cool thing that happened today: seagulls!

What are these things? I've seen birds before but not big and bulky like these. They just kind of sit there and let you chase them around. I felt like I was 25 again!

Here. See for yourself:

I was pretty proud of my artistic skills. I mean, I know I'm no Kurosawa, but still. For an old broad from Brooklyn, right?

I was basking in the glory of that video and the seagull smell, when this happened:

There still kinda mad about it. Between the iPhone robbery and me staring at them this morning while they ate, they've screamed at me a lot today. Jeesh. You'd think I was a bad dog or something. If only they knew how much I crave new technology...

Ugh

I ate some potatoes and beans last night (owners' leftovers) and I spent all night passing gas...

Anybody have a remedy?

Tough Week

I haven't been posting more often because it can be hard to find the time. I know, I know. Humans think all we do is lie around the cold floor and dream about chasing squirrels, but the truth is we're doing more than that. Thinking, for one. Planning, for two. And of course, guarding. Always guarding. Something humans seem to disregard altogether. They just go about their lives merrily, with their locks and funny keys, thinking that solves everything. But you know who takes care of things when someone breaks in? You guessed it. The dog.

The real hard part of keeping this blog going is finding a moment when I'm alone so I can write. See, if my owners knew I was writing this, they'd have a fit. They'd probably put me in therapy. That's why I won't give you too much information about them. Suffice it to say they both mostly work at home, so it's hard for me to steal time away in one of their computers and type this stuff, ya know?

The best time is usually when they're doing it, cause I could be in their fridge eating all their bacon and they wouldn't care. Well, they'd get mad afterwards.

Humans and dogs... Can't live with each other. Can't live without each other. I love the bastards but they drive me crazy. Like for example, how does it make sense that we're not allowed in banks??? I mean food stores, restaurants, I get it. We have a tendency to go crazy around stuff that smells good. But banks? What are you afraid we'll hold 'em up?

I know I complain a lot but whadda ya want? I'm from Brooklyn!

Back Home

So I retired to California about three years ago with my owners. At first, I wasn't thrilled about it. I'm a New York mutt thruandthru and had never left the city prior to that. Being a New York dog gives you a certain je ne ses quois... Your walk, your attitude... And, well... it just wasn't understood out here. 

But the truth is now I love California! It's pretty much always sunny, I don't have to walk up and down four flights of stairs anymore and most importantly, I don't have to defend my territory the way I did in New York. For a lady of a certain age like me, walking the block, peeing in your spots, letting others know I was there first, figuring out when to wag and when to growl... it's exhausting! 

Anyway, we went to Palm Springs for New Year's with all the regular humans my owners hang out with (more on them later) and I was flash-backing to New York like you wouldn't believe! 

Here's the thing humans don't realize about being a dog: it's hard!

They seem to think we have it easy. That all we do is sleep and sniff butts and eat but the truth is we have a lot of responsibilities that they just don't see. Like for example, I got off the car, immediately run to the front door and smelled everywhere. I said hi to the humans (they get all upset if you ignore them) but then I went into every room of the house and made sure it was safe: no rats, no dogs, no humans hiding in the closet with hand grenades (it happens), etc.  

Then, you gotta make sure none of them get lost. Humans are constantly wandering off on their own pr in couples to do God knows what. Who do you think keeps track of them? Yes, Sir. Yours truly. I'm part Shepperd, so my instinct for this is even greater but still all dogs do it. It's a big part of our job. 

It took me forever to figure out that humans poop on their own in these little rooms they call bathrooms, which is weird because it's also were they clean themselves. Who wants to clean themselves were they poop?!? 

But I stopped trying to understand humans a long time ago... I just live with them. 

Anyway, I keep getting away from my point, which is that New Year's was hard work and I'm happy to be back home in my balcony, checking out the hood. 

Whadda ya want? I'm from New York!

p.s. this is a picture of Chorizo, a Spanish cured sausage that one of the humans brought this year and which is one of my all-time favorites.